Car talk….


As always happens, when Dad and the boy are not around, the doll and I engage in some rewarding talks–and most all of these talks take place when I’m driving and she’s in the backseat behind me.  This past Sunday we had a heck of a talk and lord, did I enjoy myself….much to the doll’s embarrassment.

We were travelling to her Grandmother’s house for Christmas part one with her Aunt Lisa and Uncle Tom; but before we could get there, we needed to stop and buy cards and candy.  “Mom, if you’re in a bad mood one minute, then happy the next then feel like you could cry for no reason….are those signs of puberty?”  “Yes.”  “Well then, I must be in puberty because that’s how I feel all the time now”.  I smiled, trying not to laugh at her simplistic explanation.  “Mom, do boys go through all these weird changes?”  “Well they do, but differently.  I’m not sure their moods swing like girls, but they definitely go through odd changes. “Why does this happen?”  She whined.

Well doll it’s called hormones.  Your body is preparing your body to be able to carry a baby.  You’re transitioning from a little girl to a young lady.  “Yeah but if you can’t get pregnant until your married, why go through it at age ten?”  “Who says?” I asked.  “Who says what?” she replied.  “Who says you can’t get pregnant when you’re a teenager?” I asked.  “Well mom….”  “No doll, listen to me.  I’ve known several girls who were pregnant at age twelve.  TWELVE–That’s a year and a half older than you are now.  They had their babies at age 13.  ”  “How?” she asked, very confused.  “They had unprotected sex, that’s how.”  “What do you mean by “unprotected”? she asked.

I knew I had traveled into new territory where I could change the subject in an effort to avoid answering the questions or I could face them head on.  Since she was in the back seat, it was easier for me to address them  and be as honest and frank as possible, without making fun–but the latter part was very difficult.

“Doll do you know what sex is?” I asked.  “No mom, duh, of course I don’t know what it is….” she replied with a sarcastic tone.” “Alright…tell me.”  She deliberated for a moment before saying, “Well, when your married…” NOPE, that’s not sex.” I interrupted.  “O-kaay”, she replied.   “Well, when you fall in….”  “EH”! I said, simulating a buzzer, “Wrong again.  Listen doll we’re talking about sex; S-E-X, the bare bones as it were…what is SEX”.  She was quiet a moment longer before giving way to snapping fingers… “It’s when the, umm, what’s it called again…it’s when the whatchamacalic thingymabopper meets up with the egg”.  “No, that’s not sex, that’s the result of sex….try again.”  I could hear her squirm in the seat, wishing desperately she were sitting anywhere but inside this car with me.

“I’m not going to say it…” She said.  “Come on doll, it’s not a bad word.  It’s an odd word to be sure, but it’s not a bad word and you won’t get in trouble for saying the word…now tell me…” I encouraged.  “Um, it’s when the, um, the Dad’s…um….private part (she said, very pleased by her word choice) comes in contact with the girls private part.”  “That is the worst explanation that I’ve ever heard…” I replied. “Repeat after me, it’s when the boy’s PENIS…”  As the word penis sprang from my lips, the doll screamed, “MOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!” and began poking me in the back of the neck.   “Hey, stop hitting the driver!” I shouted, while trying not to laugh.  “Doll Penis…when the boy’s penis goes inside the girls vagina!”  Upon hearing the word “Vagina” I was treated to another round of yelling and hitting.

As we pulled into the local drug store, I asked her, “Do you know what your vagina is?”  “Mom, I’m done having this talk with you.” She said as we entered the building.  “Doll, we’re in the middle of a very important discussion.  You don’t expect me to stop talking about it simply because we’ve entered the store do you?”  If looks could kill I’d be wounded, maimed.  It wasn’t until we were standing in front of the card section and I began to jump up and down and say “Sex, Sex, we’re talking about Sex” over and over that I believe she gave me the kill shot, then walked into another aisle, leaving me dying at the card rack.

Once we were back inside the car I concluded our discussion….

“Doll, the point of the issue is this….puberty is a strange time for both sexes, boys and girls alike.  For girls you’ll start your menstrual cycle and for boys they begin having odd feelings toward girls.  The older you get, the more these feelings intensify.  I would love, love, love for you to wait until your happy and married; but I’m not naive enough to believe no boy will pressure you to have sex with him at some point.  I want you to be prepared, as much as possible, so you can make the right decisions…to ensure you are safe.  Plus, if you have questions….real questions, please don’t hesitate to ask me…even if I don’t have the answer, you and I can figure them out together.  Alright?”

I’m not sure if she was simply happy to have the “sex” talk over with, or if she actually listened to everything I said.  I hope/pray she did.  Before we entered her grandmother’s house though she asked, “One thing I don’t understand….”  “What’s that baby?”  “How does the spermymaggigy get out of the you know what?”  Smiling, I replied, “Well, there is some work that needs to be done, for sure, but, if you imagine a wind up toy….you wind it up and up and up until it’s ready and then when you release the toy it shoots out fast…”  The look on her face was priceless as her mind conjured up the image.  “Ewwww!” she said.  “Ewww is right doll…” I replied with a laugh “especially in your teens.”


One response »

  1. Pingback: Helloooo!! | Mean Mommy's Memoir

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