So this morning I woke up from a nightmare and could not get back to sleep. There was nothing extraordinary in the dream-no seen monsters, no boogeyman, no death. Nothing but anxiety fueled “what ifs?” Which I can tell you are scarier than any Freddy Kruger dreamed machinations.

Yesterday evening I finished reading a book I had started the day before: The Fault in Our Stars. I was warned ahead of time the book was very good, but would compel even the most hardened readers to cry. Spoiler alert: They were right. But while my dream (and my life for that matter) have no resemblance to the characters or the circumstances contained therein; One cannot help but allow that sad, beautiful, triumphant tale to resonate.

As for my dream…

I’ve given the doll keys to our house, she’s ready to leave and apparently old enough to drive. I’ve chosen to stick around to talk and visit some more. The boy and my hub are nowhere around. For some reason I get worried and try to call home, but the call won’t go through. I call the operator seeking help, who informs me the house line appears to be cut… Every bad thought a parent can conjure fills my brain and I race off toward home-except the doll has my car…except I can’t get ahold of her….except I’m afraid of what I’ll find…except, except, ACCEPT!


Everyday I am inundated by what ifs; between the nightly news, television programs even my own neighborhood Facebook timeline. No rock apparently has been left unturned, ignorance is no longer bliss. All the while I continue moving forward, stepping over the garbage with hope we are moving in the right direction. Giving the kids tools needed to succeed and showing them that love can and should be a constant in their lives. Having faith that while they may have to slay some dragons in their future, we all have their back. Wanting desperately to believe that their what ifs will be more concerned with roads not taken, rather than circumstances that stole their chances.


I guess the only true way to shake off that dream will be to elicit hugs from them both. While they may believe I’m trying to smother or suffocate by hanging onto them a little longer than usual…

You and I will know different.


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