Last weekend, my doll received my mom’s high school class ring as a present for confirmation which put my mother front and center in my thoughts all week. Yesterday, while I watched everyone post wonderful pictures of their mothers, celebrating Mother’s day, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad that, while I could post her picture, I couldn’t call and talk to her. So, I began crafting a letter to her instead. Please forgive my indulgence for posting the letter here…
What a weekend!! Besides celebrating your youngest boy’s jump into a new decade (50), we celebrated the continuation of our family, growing by leaps and bounds this summer; with a dual baby shower for Kristen and Lindsay. As I’m sure you are fully aware, the house was packed! But I think both girls are all set for when their little girls arrive–see that mom? The girls are rocking in the next generation (7-3 over the boys)!! Just think, in a few short months, your eldest will be a grandma for the third time and your middle child will become a first time Grandpa. So much excitement ahead…
As for me, well you know, your grandson tends to occupy a lot of space in my head and on my furniture. I’ve been praying for years for him to get out of his own way, but whenever he begins to move forward, he takes such tiny cautious steps. Sometimes I feel as if I’m pushing him up a hill while he’s bracing for impact, trying to stay still. Last week he was upset with me for catching him in a lie and decided his best course of action was to not talk to me for a few days. While taking him to school I asked him how long he planned on giving me the “silent treatment” and he replied, “I love you too much to engage in this conversation…” Which I couldn’t help but laugh. Truth be told I was lecturing him at the time about his inability to get out of his own way. Perhaps I should have heeded his advice and stopped pushing. But Mom, he needs to get out of my house and be productive somewhere, anywhere. Summer is almost here and if he doesn’t find a job soon, both our summers will stink.
Now your beautiful red headed granddaughter was recently confirmed and is now preparing for graduation. Graduation, can you believe this? How the heck did we get here so soon? Sigh, but first, Friday is May crowning which will be the first time she’ll wear her cap and gown–which reminds me, sometime between now and then, we need to find her an appropriate length skirt to wear. Lately, it seems she and I have been spending a lot of time at the mall, God, help me; us. Then two weeks from Thursday, on Dad’s 95th birthday and my 26th wedding anniversary, she’ll graduate. I can’t believe my baby will be a Freshman and the boy a Senior in the fall. I’m sure you can commiserate…
Okay, now that the catch-up is out of the way, I guess the mushy stuff is what’s left. Yesterday, Mother’s day, some people posted wonderful articles and remembrance memes about being “Motherless” children. While they were comforting to read, I couldn’t get past the title”Motherless”. Because while you may no longer be physically present in my life, you will always be present in my life–in my dreams, in the hugs I receive from my siblings, in the memories we share, in the answers to the hard questions the kids ask and most of all in my heart.
God, I miss you, love you and wish you were still here. Ten years has been a long time to celebrate Mother’s day without you, but I thank God daily for blessing me with the 42-years I had to celebrate you.
PS…I haven’t seen you in my dreams for a while–or at least that I can remember. How about stopping by…I’m lonesome for your face.